drowning in secrets

It All Started with a Secret

I had a secret, it was something I kept to myself and only shared with one other person in the whole world.

This may surprise some people because, let’s be honest, I’m pretty much gosh darn open book when it comes to what I’ve been through in my life.

I have no issues with talking about the verbal and mental abuse I sustained from my mother’s boyfriend when I was a child.

Or the fact that, years ago I was an anorexic/bulimic who at the worse part of it, was down the 97 pounds and STILL thought I was too fat for modeling.

Or the period of my life where I abused drugs and alcohol or the dark places that they both took me, and the eventual 20 years of recovery in AA, which helped me build my spiritual foundations that I still have today, even though I am no longer a member and I took my power back with alcohol, 10 years ago.

No, I’m pretty much an open book.

But I still had a secret, and it was slowly tearing at all that I had built in my life, both professionally and personally.

I’ll be honest, I won’t share about what the secret is in this post; that will be in the next one, and promise that it’s not to tease you, it’s simply because I want to be able to give some of you, who may not be quite ready, a chance to walk away. My secret may make you uncomfortable, and that is OK.

I’m writing this post, so that you can see that the old adage is true; “you’re only as sick as your secrets.”, that even I, who tried to be an open book was failing and I really didn’t even know that it had taken over SO much of my life until I did the event that I did this weekend in Denver Colorado.

It opened my eyes to how much keeping it had wormed it’s way into not only my private life, but was starting to come into my professional life as well. It was beginning to effect my connection to Divine, to Spirit and to the Animals.

It was keeping me isolated, frustrated and incredibly sad, and I thought I was using it to keep my professional life safe and secure when in reality it was doing the exact opposite.

I felt alone, ashamed, scared, vulnerable, ugly, incredibly sad & lost because I didn’t know anyone I could turn to for guidance, see, that’s what secrets do, they whisper to you things like: “you can’t tell anyone about this, it’ll ruin your reputation.” or “you have to keep your private life 100% private!” and “no one’s ever going to look at you the same way again and everything you’ve built up to this point will be destroyed!” things like that, which only makes it worse because you don’t feel safe, you lose your trust (both in Divine and in people) and it makes you put on a mask (something I vowed I would never wear again after going into AA).

I wasn’t being who I was being called to be and I didn’t know HOW to answer that call, it was like I was being pulled towards a wall by a string tied to my heart but when I got to the wall there was no door so I just kept bumping up against this wall, unable to find the way to get through it.

I was hiding in broad daylight.

So you see, I really do know what it’s like to have something that keeps you from being you, that even though I consider myself an enlightened, very connected person that I too, can get lost sometimes.

I want this post to encourage people to let out those secrets that are eating their way through you lives, because you make THINK they’re not effecting other parts of your life, but I promise you they are, and you’ll only know how much when you begin to reveal them. Secrets thriven in the dark, it’s where they live, and breath and grow and fester, and when we bring our secrets into the light, they begin to shrivel and die, when we share those secrets is when we are truly free to be who we are, living our lives fully, being who we be, happily and in joy and true inner peace. When we find the lighted doorway of truth and step through it? That’s when we are living as Divine intend, joy-FULLY.

My doorway came in a form of an event in Denver CO, an event that I shared with over 500 people; a scary thing indeed because remember, up until that point I had only shared my secret (and only lightly skimmed it at that) with ONE other person.

But I was about to find out how powerful the light of truth and the support of a community of like minded people could be. And how their energy held me up as I spoke my secret out loud for the first time.

Continued in the next post……(not sure the title)

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